85. Making Space for Sound
This episode explores the relationship between sound and self-expression including:
The yoga studio incident that inspired a whole lot of curiosity
The award I was given in high school that I was super embarrassed about
The practices I’ve been exploring to bring more compassion and celebration to self-expression through sound
***
HAVE A MOMENT?
It would be oh-so-incredible if you could leave a Rating +/or Review (or share this episode with a friend!). Podcasts grow through word of mouth, and every little bit helps to keep this show going strong!
***
GET IN TOUCH
Did this episode spark an interesting reflection or a question stirring in your heart? I love hearing from you!
Instagram: @meghanljohnston
Email: hello@meghanjohnston.com
Website: meghanjohnston.com
Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] You are listening to episode 85 of With Heart and Wonder. And this episode is all about sound. And what it means to find or create spaces for ourselves where we can express in a way that feels safe and good, through sound.
In our last episode with Mikaela Clark, episode 84. We talked about self-expression. And if you haven't listened to that episode yet, I really, really recommend it. It is a gorgeous episode. With so many stories from Mikaela's life. About how she has used her creativity to find self-expression, especially during times of grief and heartache and transition. And I thought it might be a beautiful compliment to that episode to focus a little bit more on one vehicle, the vehicle of our voice. Not so much, through the words that we say, but just through sound. If that [00:02:00] doesn't necessarily make sense yet. I know it will by the end of this episode.
I thought I could start us off with a story. And I actually shared this earlier this year I think during the summer I shared this on Instagram and it started some beautiful conversations in the DMs And that it's a story from. Probably about five years ago I was at a yoga training.
It was a weekend long training. So three days. And on the very last day I was rolling up my mat. As we were wrapping up saying goodbye and the person who had been next to me for the entire weekend. Turned to me and softly said, do you know, you make a lot of sound in your practice. And I instantly, it felt like waves of embarrassment. And not knowing how to take this statement. It was clear to me that it was given by this person with so much kindness. But also like wanting me to know that there was a lot of sound
And I got the sense that that was from a place not necessarily of celebrating all of the sound that was coming from me. But one of wanting me to be aware.
And gosh, like, I can just feel the tension in my body, even just talking about this. Because I really did have this visceral reaction to like, oh my gosh, like my sound is, is getting in the way. My self-expression. It's causing problems for others.
Now at the time, I don't know that I actually even was aware of the degree to which I did make sound in my practice. [00:04:00] And so then it became this kind of constant companion. Was this curiosity and anxiety. If I'm being fully honest, when I was in public spaces, practicing. And noticing like, oh, wow. Yes, I am making sound here and there. And there's a little sigh or sound or all of these noises that are coming from within me to express the experience that I'm having.
I became attuned to the way in which I do make a lot of sound in my practice. And I actually think that's a really, really good thing.
Because I am someone who in many ways, has been in this process for years and years of unlearning what it means to stay silent. What it means to quiet myself. Something that I have done, like so many others. I have quieted myself. In order to make others more comfortable. I've measured the words that I use by the degree to which they meet the needs of others. And make others comfortable. Rather than the degree to which they meet my own needs, the degree to which the deeply resonate in my body and my heart.
And there is for me, this really interesting history. Of being self-conscious of my own sound. And it's funny because these memories have been bubbling up to the surface in the last few weeks. Just because of things that have been circling in the world. I always find it so interesting when this happens. So this past weekend I watched, this was actually my very first time watching a [00:06:00] non-Olympic sporting event from start to finish. Um,
we watched the rugby world cup finals. With friends. And a fact that may come as a surprise is that I actually played rugby for a few years when I was in high school.
I went to an arts high school and sports were not a huge thing there. Which meant there were lots of opportunities to be on sports teams. And I was recruited by a friend to join rugby. Not really knowing that much about the sport. And I remember one day
I was having this conversation. With this guy and we were talking about the rugby team. And he was expressing his shock that all of these, like very quiet, introverted, shy art's kids from, especially the visual arts and the literary arts program, which was what I was a part of. Had joined the rugby team. And kind of, he made a joke about like, clearly we had some like anger or emotions that we needed to get out that, you know, we weren't able to access like the drama kids. It was such a really interesting realization. And, um, I don't know the degree to which that was true for others. But I can see the way that it was for me.
And. I so deeply remember.
At the end of one season. A few girls on the team got together and came up with like a specific kind of comical or cutesy award for every single member of the team. And I was given this award for like the loudest lungs. And I was so embarrassed [00:08:00] I was given this a word because I was somebody who screamed a lot on the field.
Which I had rationalized in part because of the position I played. I was the scrum half and if you know, rugby. There is a little bit of leadership in the scrum half position in terms of and telling people what's going on and what to do on the field.
But I screamed a lot. Like a lot. And I think it was this place, this space. We're. It was okay to scream. And for the most part, I felt really comfortable letting my voice go. Now, when I got the award, there was an embarrassment like, oh my gosh.
Is my voice something that I should be ashamed of. Just like I had. In this experience in the yoga studio.
So even though the award was given. Truly not to make me feel self-conscious there was this self-consciousness that for me, someone who was. Just by nature, a quieter person. There was this. Almost then self-policing going forward of like, what does it, where are the spaces where it is okay to share my voice. Where does okay to make sound.
For no other reason then the fact that the sound is wanting to come through me. But there are things inside of me, emotions, feelings that need an outlet.
And it was so interesting because just recently. I have picked up a guitar again. I say again, I by no means have someone who is very skilled at playing the guitar, but I did play around with it in my early years of university. [00:10:00] Over a decade ago. And it's probably been about 10 years since I have picked up my guitar. So recently I've been feeling called to explore sound and music. And we got my guitar kind of fixed up and put new strings on it. And I went to play it for the first time. And my first immediate thought was, I need to make sure all the windows are closed.
So that I don't bother the neighbors with my sound.
And of course there's something polite about that. But there's also this really interesting thread that I think is worth exploring of the fact that that was the first thing I thought. The fact that the very first thing I thought. Was about how to make myself quieter, to make others more comfortable. And to get curious about the way in which this theme might be showing up in other places.
I wanted to share that one of the most healing things for me has been finding spaces where I allow, whatever sounds are wanting to come up to come through. And sometimes this has happened for me in yoga practice. Especially when a space is held by a really skilled facilitator. I remember the first time I was in a class with a local teacher, Kathleen Burr she is incredible, if you live in the Ottawa area. And hearing Kathleen say something along the lines of all of your sounds are welcome here. And the degree to which that put me at ease. The degree to which I felt that this was a safe space where I could let myself sigh [00:12:00] or I could take a sharp intake of breath. Or I could make a little noise as I settled in.
And in addition, to yoga spaces. In the last few years, I have gotten so much healing through the use of sound as part of The Class. Which is Taryn Toomey's creation. It is called The Class. Um, and as part of this kind of movement and healing practice, there is an encouragement of a lot of sound.
And letting myself make noises that are gutteral or size. Or little Yelps, whatever needs to come out. Truly feels like one of the most potent medicines that I can offer myself.
There's so much emotion that we hold inside of us. So much emotion that is wanting to flow and move and be processed. But that ends up being stagnant.
And I truly do believe that the use of sound is one such way that we can help the emotion move. Something, we talked about in episode 74 with Heather Dressel, in fact emotions are energy in motion. How do we let all of those feelings inside be in motion? I truly do believe that sound and self-expression is one such place.
It's been interesting for me to notice as I've healed. some of there's still more there. As I've healed. Some of my own embarrassment
when it comes to sound.
I have noticed a real shift in the last few years. [00:14:00] Of letting myself make more sounds. As I move through the world, move through the day. And the way in which that self-expression. Allows me to find more presence more flow, and a deeper connection with myself.
Now when I catch myself making little sounds, whether or not other people are around. Most of the time I'm celebrating. Celebrating the fact that there is this expression that I am gifting myself. Celebrating with deep compassion. The way in which I am allowing myself to be. Without holding back. Or self-censoring.
So today I leave you with a reflection prompt.
Where are the spaces where you feel safe to express sound?
And if you currently are lacking such a space, where might you start to carve it out? Even if it's just letting yourself make sound in the shower.
I would love to hear anything that comes through for you. You can reach out to me on Instagram @meghanljohnston. You can send me an email hello@meghanjohnston.com
In our next episode. We're going to be joined by Tara Winters. She is an incredible coach and we are diving into our relationship with money and in a way how we can use money as a way that is aligned with the self-expression of our values.
We'll be back with that episode in two weeks. Until that keep living With Heart and Wonder. [00:16:00]